Mr. Baseball- April 11, 2012

When we moved to a new house when I was seven years old, my parents enrolled me in a small private Christian school called Covenant Love Community. I was one of twelve students in the second grade class, and I quickly learned there was a hierarchy there. You see, there was also a church associated with the private school. Kids whose parents went to the church had been friends since infancy. Then there was me and Jason Hamilton. Neither of us had parents that went to Covenant Love Community Church. We were ostracized. By default, we had to be friends, even though I didn't really like him very much (he kind of smelled bad).

One night, I got sent to Jason's house to spend the night. He lived in the next town over, Cortland NY, in Cortland County (which is the county with the highest instances of incest in the country). After playing several hours of rousing video games on his Coleco, we had pizza and his parents asked if we wanted to watch a movie after dinner. They had rented a video called Mr. Baseball. We said yes. Why not?

About halfway through the video, Jason's parents decided that the jokes were too sexual in nature (of course I didn't understand any of the sexual jokes) and they decided it to turn it off. I never saw the end. So now I invite to watch with me both the beginning and the end of Mr. Baseball (Rated PG-13)!

If you decide to watch the trailer (available here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN_H71V6kZY), you'll notice that not a single joke in it is funny, and there's nary sexual joke in sight! Maybe the Hamilton household saw the trailer and were tricked into thinking it would be wholesome and harmless for less-than-13-year-old boys. Pretty nefarious if you ask me.

VHS tape screening- Labyrinth- March 28, 2012

There are few films as inspiring to the creative imagination as Labyrinth starring David Bowie's package. David Bowie's package is one of the most significant performers of the twentieth century. We are all better people for what David Bowie's package does on screen during Labyrinth, like in the scene where there is an upside down staircase and a baby crawling.

I also like the scene where the weird singing creatures pluck out their own eyes, throw them up in the air and catch them in their mouths, swallow them, and then, seconds later the eyes re-appear in the singing creatures' eye sockets.

I hope you like David Bowie's package as much as I do. If so, come see Labyrinth on Wednesday night.

Who Framed Roger Rabbit- March 21, 2012

This week we turn our attention to the gritty crime thriller, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, starring Bob Hoskins, or as I like to call him, "the Hosk." He plays an anti-hero private investigator who is drawn into a world of dangerous intrigue that blends the lines between reality and toonality.

VHS tape screening- Road House- March 14, 2012

In reverence to upcoming St. Patrick's day, and at the behest of Rachel, we will be paying homage to Saint Patrick Swayze this week by watching his throat rippin' masterpiece, Road House. (Green attire is not required.)

What can one say about Road House? It has everythi...ng...violence, booze, sex, rock music, and throat rippin', not to mention and important moral lesson in the end. Those who attend will be in awe of Saint Patrick's amazing (hay) loft apartment.

Swayze plays a tough guy who is the ultimate bar bouncer. Bar owners all around the country seek to hire him to help get their all-too-roudy bars under control. Only this time he gets more than he bargained for...

VHS tape screening- Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves- March 7, 2012

As I scanned the shelf trying to decide what next week's screening would be, it was as if an arrow shot straight toward me coming directly from Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves starring Kevin Costner. This semi-epic action movie was an important part of my childhood. The evil witch gave me nightmares. But I haven't seen it in years.This might be a dangerous choice.

It's two hours and fifteen minutes long. Drink slowly people.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJx6Nk2Y2BQ

VHS tape screening- ET: The Extraterrestrial- February 29, 2012

VHS night returns after a holy hiatus to bring a tale of intergalactic friendship-- ET: The Extraterrestrial. Kristin Joyce tells me she’s afraid to watch this movie on a VHS night because of how much we will make fun of it. She’s right. I’m sure there are endless jokes w...e can make about an alien who has glowing penis fingers and his unnatural relationship with a young earth boy. Don’t worry ET, we’re laughing with you, not at you.
For this screening, we are going to play a special game. Every time Elliot says “penis breath,” everyone has to take a drink. (It only happens one time.)

:-

But seriously, this movie has filled me with wonderful childhood memories, like the time Elliott says, "penis breath," or all those other memorable parts of the movie.

Please watch the trailer, because it will tell you how great Steven Spielberg is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7-2PB4jj2o

VHS tape screening- Innerspace- February 15, 2012

Last week we explored the outer space, but this week we turn to Innerspace for an entirely different kind of entertainment experience. I haven't seen this film since about the seventh or eighth grade and there are people who tell me it doesn't hold up over the years. Who ...cares? says I, we don't choose which tapes to screen based on the quality of the story, only the quality of the physical tape itself. If when played the picture's got that crisp clean VHS "look" and if the audio is of the superb nature we've come to expect from VHS, then we are good to go. As it happens, this week we are watching a virgin tape, on it's maiden voyage into a VCR. I know this because I just unwrapped it from the factory shrink wrap. Truth be told, I put it in the VCR for about twenty seconds to make sure the tracking was correct, but I think it's safe to say its innocence is still intact, like just sticking in the tip.

Innerspace is about a guy who gets injected into another guy (talk about losing your innocence) and then has to figure out how to get himself out of that guy. It stars such giants of the VHS age as Martin Short, Dennis Quaid, and Meg Ryan.

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzkcSwlrdgg

VHS tape screening- Space Camp- February 8, 2012

On Wednesday we will gather to watch Space Camp thanks to Rob who donated it to my VHS collection a few months back. This particular copy is an edition put out by Feature Films For Families, so all of the nudity has been edited out. The video box has questions on the back... that parents can ask their children. We may have to utilize these questions after the screening in order to figure out what lessons can be learned from the story.

One notable actress in Space Camp is Lea Thompson who appears nude in other movies that we will have to get our hands on. I have always "had the hots" for her. She was 25 at the time this movie came out. I don't know what the hell she was doing going to space camp. In fact all of the campers seem a little too old. We will have to make fun of them, to their faces, on my TV.

VHS tape screening- Adventures in Babysitting- February 1, 2012

This Wednesday, guest curator Meesh is bringing us Adventures in Babysitting starring Elizabeth Shue. This is another movie I've never seen. But based on the trailer it appears to be about a girl whose night of babysitting turns in to a really crazy adventure. Personally,... I've never been a babysitter, so I can't relate. But I can remember when I was a child pushing my babysitters to the edge of sanity, like when I handcuffed my sister to her bed and hid the key. Anyway, I have always been a fan of Elizabeth Shue, and always regretted not seeing this movie. Join me as I see it for the first time.

VHS tape screening- Dream a Little Dream- January 25, 2012

This week we will have a guest VHS curator: Auston. "You were expecting maybe...Freddie Krueger?" (watch the trailer)

He will be awakening us to Dream a Little Dream starring the Coreys! I haven't seen this "film" but I watched the trailer (available here: https://www.yo...utube.com/watch?v=fBxYC_nS0J4&feature=player_embedded) and my estimate is that it's bound to be wonderful. Although to be honest I couldn't tell what's going on; something about people switching bodies. But who cares what it's about? It's starring the Coreys, and that creepy old guy Jason Robards.

The movie starts at 8, but Auston tells me he is bringing a bonus 30 minute video for those who come early. So get here at 7:30 if you want to be privy to Auston's dark world of VHS surprise. (I only said that last part because I want to use the word "privy" and it seemed to add appropriateness. I have no idea if the video will be dark.) As per usual there will be a box of wine, but more drink or food is always welcome and encouraged.

VHS tape screening- Clue- January 18, 2012

There once was a nerd who loved the board game Clue so much that he thought it would make a great movie. He misjudged the public’s interest in board game adaptations and the movie bombed in theatres, failing even to gross the cost of the film, a mere $15 million. However,... because the movie was actually pretty funny and weird it soon garnered a cult following and continues to entertain both those nerds who are, and those who are not fans of Clue, the board game.

I happen to be a nerd who is not really a fan of the board game, but I think the movie is kind of fun, mostly because Tim Curry is so awesome. I’m not sure what kind of nerd Rob is, but he’s the one who has the VHS tape and suggested that we watch it. Sadly, I have no stories of sexual escapades to divulge in relation to this film. I never played strip Clue. Perhaps Rob has. Rob?

VHS tape screening- Valley Girl- January 11, 2012

I know there are people in the world who have issues with Nicolas Cage. I will admit, in many of his roles he has a somewhat grating acting style. But I think Valley Girl predates this development, back when Cage was still resembling something akin to a young Keanu Reeves.... It's hard to see, but the poster image says, "Introducing Nicolas Cage"

I've only seen this once, when I was dating the woman who took my virginity, which is the primary reason why I don't remember it very well. She and I would always start to watch movies with the firm intention of finishing them, but somewhere in the middle we would begin to fool around, so most movies did not receive our full attention. (Actually, we never sat through an entire movie without having sex, much to my annoyance.) This was the case with Valley Girl. I distinctly remember liking what I saw of it, probably because of the amazing 80s New Wave soundtrack. But I can't really say what happens.

A few years after we broke up, I went to brunch with the woman who took my virginity. Then we went to a bookstore up on Port Richmond. Then I walked her home. She said was going to donate her VCR to Circle Thrift because she only had two tapes, one of which was Valley Girl. She gave it to me. The other was some movie she borrowed from her mom. So this Wednesday we will watch the same VHS copy of Valley Girl that was on in the background while she and I made sweet awkward love (not for the first time, but during one of the first few times).

During the screening nobody is allowed for fool around with me because I want to see what happens.

Here is the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZaRznRmCqc

VHS tape screening- Fear- January 4, 2012

Kristen Joyce has referred to this as "the finger-banging movie" because apparently there is an intense finger-banging scene. I can't wait! I did see this movie years ago, and vaguely recall that scene, but this was before I had ever finger-banged a girl for myself so I had no idea what was going on. I just thought Reese Witherspoon was having a lot of fun on the roller coaster. It wasn't until a good ten years later, after attempting to finger-bang a girl for the fifth time in my life, that I finally got the hang of it. By that time my memory of the film had faded. I feel bad for the four previous girls who had to be finger-banging guinea pigs. What I want to know is how did Mark Wahlberg get so good at finger-banging at such a young age? It shows that he must have some kind of dark past. The Funky Bunch was into some deep shit. This movie actually has a stupid title: Fear. (The Finger-Banging Movie is so much catchier, but Hollywood execs don't know an effing thing.) It's a movie about choices, the choices that young aspiring actors make before they have established themselves. Choices that they may one day come to regret. Here's the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwqPYsnstP4&feature=related

Oh, and DJ, you were right, the Who's the Boss girl is in this, in a supporting role.